Emerging in Mexico

Some of you have noticed, that I haven't been diligent posting updates on my travel blog. I have been avoiding this task for months now. My resistance growing daily towards what was initially created as a vehicle of social communication that has become a nagging sore-spot of personal failure, self-judgment and inner criticism.

As days pass and my passport fills with stamps from countries throughout the western hemisphere, I am inquiring within as to why I have created this perplexing and uncomfortable situation. What stands between me and my ability to share with you the exhilarating ups and downs of this adventure? Is it fear? Is it insecurity? Is it too personal? Useless? Boring?

The unwrapping of this riddle brings me to the challenging truth that my process is, above all things, messy.

As a recovering perfectionist, the thought of sharing something incomplete and “wrong” paralyzes me with terror; a fear that has prevented me from communicating anything at all. According to this critical and controlling aspect of my lower self, EVERYTHING that I share must demonstrate a masterful epiphany of conscious awareness all tied up in a pretty white bow. I am Blog Challenged. And now, it is through the sharing of this sticky, icky, ucky incomplete messiness of what is that I find my freedom and voice to speak.

I am stretching to share my experiences in their imperfect perfection as a means of integrating a new level of self-acceptance for my path with less judgment, hesitation and resistance.

I am tenderly releasing myself from the expectation of sharing with you a “perfect” story from each of the countries I have been. I am softly giggling as I acknowledge my urges to relentlessly spell-check and scan and re-scan my grammar. I am allowing myself to finger paint blindfolded and by getting my fingers nice and dirty I am finding a new ability and commitment to keeping it REAL.

Recently I have noticed how upon arriving to a new place, I am allowing my luggage to explode in every direction. I am taking a mischievous delight in seeing my belongings crumpled up, thrown and strewn about in haphazard disorderliness. My habit of hanging, pressing, folding and organizing my things as a means of feeling secure and acceptable is letting go and surrendering to an exhilarating freedom in being undone.

Most importantly, I am holding gently the aspect of my consciousness that suffers in miserable self-criticism and objectification with love and understanding. I have found in this a small child that has an inexhaustible list of right and wrong, built on the premise that if she follows the rules exactly that she will be “right” and therefore safe. She feels unacceptable and it is through my acceptance of her in this place that I am cultivating the gift she brings me... the ability to flow in a way that is honest and true to what and who I am.

Alexandra

Comments

[John K]

Dear Alex, not oddly enough, it's the authentic you, the little girl inside you that we want to see and hear ... the curled lips when you smile, the wrinkles in your nose when you laugh, your energy and aura that we miss. Not the "Alex with pronouncements" ... we all have enough of those, but not enough genuine, fallible, imperfect humans who see the imperfections as the true vehicles [the keys!!!] of true communication. When communication is spongy, squeezable, spontaneous, erratic ... it cuts through everyone's BS filters. It's welcomed. It's genuine. When communication is too polished, calculated, and obviously crafted, it's as endearing as a steel ball ... polished, cold, steel ball. Write from your heart, not from your brain -- that's where all great writing comes from. John, your past-life husband from Ireland.

[Anna Beaumont]

Hey girl, you took the words right out of mouth, from one recovering perfectionist to another, nicely said, you are an inspiration,xoxanna

[Kathy Holme]

Hi Alexandra,

It was actually quite surpising to me to read about the fact that you are a "recovering perfectionist" I really didn't see any of that when we were away together! I admired your discipline in keeping up with your notes and yoga, but I think you are being very hard on yourself!!! You write beautifully, and I always enjoy your communications. Looking forward to hearing more about your travels and experiences in all their "imperfect detail"!! haha Be safe, Kathy xo

[Dacia Moss]

Wow! Your blog is the most honest and heartfelt piece of writing I have read in weeks (and I am studying some pretty amazing stuff these days!). It is beautiful what you shared. Intimate, tender and allowing so much loving kindness for your innate humanness. What a wonderful example. I applaud your honesty as you venture inward to befriend all that you are!

In admiration and love,

Dacia

[Dianne Duncan Perrote]

How precious you are!!! What a voice!!! I am facing "losing" my mother and complained to a room mate from a previous life that she can't leave me yet! I haven't gotten everything done that I promised her...that I wanted her to see...that I wanted her approval for!!! Her transitioning is all about me! How absurd.
Even writing this little blurb I have tears streaming down my cheeks recognizing in you that same little voice as in me to get "IT" done perfectly and with grand penache, perfectly spelled and perfectly presented in clear and pristine order when what truely makes it accessible is the chink of vulnerability in the armor. Thank you, Alexandra, for bringing a brilliant ray of light to the subject!

[Helen Tomei]

Finally, another blog-challenged soul that I can relate to! Wonderful stuff, Alexandra! What you write is exacty PERFECT :-)

[Glenda Huston]

Alexandra,
It is so wonderful to hear of the changes happening on your journey. I particularly love the image of letting your luggage explode and being able to let go and surrender to the freedom that brings you. Thank you so much for sharing your insights as well as your adventures on this amazing journey of yours. I appreciate all that you are discovering for all of us! Blessed be!
Love,
Glenda

[Karen Lumley]

Alexandra

I feel greatly relieved that the long time without hearing from you has been from your end rather than some technology glitch that meant my e-mail address has been removed from the list.

Good work on discovering and dealing with your perfectionism. I have learned that that particular belief requires a lot of energy to sustain. The act of being gentle with myself has provided me with rewards that just keep coming along.

I look forward to the next blog entry, whenever it appears.

[Heidi Klassen]

Hi Alexandra, brave goddess,
Wonderful to hear it....you have also freed us all to love our imperfections....lots of love to you!
Heidi

[Avril]

Beautiful Alexandra.
Thank-you for the insights about yourself, which are with no surprise also insights for myself.
Love to you.

[alexandratravels@hotmail.com]

You are a beautiful goddess, with courage and strength that shines from any country you soar.
Thank you for your honesty towards facing the child within.
You are changing the world
lots of love and gratitude,
jocelyn

[alexandratravels@hotmail.com]

Hello 'undone', my dear friend Alexandra, who is always becoming more endearing to me, the more honest and straight-forward she is/you are! Congratulations! Maureane

[Genevieve]

Beauty and truth, Alexandra. Gives us all permission. Much love, Genevieve

[Linda Harris]

Hi Alexandra -- you gypsy, goddess. I was wondering how you were going to handle the imperfect stuff. You communicate with grace. Glad you're getting to the heart of the matter. Big Hug. Linda

[XXX Cheryl OOO]

There lies a real truth ...want to find out what you are capable of...Put yourself in a extremely uncomfortable situation and see what you"Can Do" Love ya Alexandra

[JJ]

Thank you for sharing your human-ness you precious earth-angel! I am in awe and amazement at your willingness and ability to move forward in your travels. So what if you haven't managed to always do the "perfect thing(s)" you through you would do (such as God forbid - giving us the wonderful details of your adventures in every country). Perhaps you are doing what really is perfect! Be yourself, be true to yourself, and you will find yourself. (Hmm that is interesting - where did that come from). Love and blessings

[Rose-Anne]

That's fabulous Alexandra! As a former perfectionist myself (and someone who still has moments of hesitation before allowing others to see my work in particular)... I can completely relate to your paralysis. And it was through writing about it all that helped me along my way as well. I look forward to reading more of your "messy" thoughts and discoveries on this wonderful journey.

[Leda]

All I can say Alexandra, is that for me, the deeper I go, the more I have to dig. There are moments of expression, and moments of clearing and collection. Perhaps you are collecting to express something of a more universal nature. Let it express itself only if and when you feel the inspiration, need, desire...

[Veronika]

There is time for everything.
Time to share and time to keep it for yourself....and might be there will be some leftover for intimate circle later (?), only if it will feel right. Many times there are deep moments that can't be shared they must be experienced.....therefore, I am going to hit a road traveling as well but in a very quiet manner (no party - no promises), just me and HIM on my way to higher altitudes. Good bless you, Goddess with green eyes without temple (yet)!

[school_dubl]

Happy New Year! The author write more I liked it.