Just cherries please.

Acknowledgment. I seek it. I need it. At best, I use it to build self-esteem. At worst, I use it as a barometer to measure worthiness, or more accurately affirm unworthiness. Using my environment to measure my value is easy. I've been doing it for years and each country I visit offers a “spécial du jour.”  

Getting attention from the opposite sex is a tried and true way to get my fix. In France, this isn't hard to do. Shall I tell you about the topless sun bathing incident where I was hit on by a lean and muscular 28-year old? My ego loves it. Acknowledgment upswing. But what if I told you about his bad breath and aggressive disposition? Down I go. Value minus ten points.

I've trolled for takers in the market and on the beach. Look elegant. Now demure. Straighten your posture. She scores. A hat trick no less. One lunch proposal. A foot massage from a fireman on the beach and a young warrior-type who loudly declared en français,“You are very beautiful. I love you.” What a circus.

The thing about assigning value based on external factors is that I create false highs and lows, a now-I-feel-it, now-I-don't roller coaster ride that leaves me empty. Still in need. I can't sustain the highs. The candy always runs out. White-knuckled, I hold on tight. Only to fall into a pit of unworthiness to commiserate all that I lack. What goes up, must come down. My pants are too tight. No one wants to read what I'm writing. That cute one didn't even notice me. It isn't true value. It's a self-created soul-shredding grind in which I assign merit based on what I revere and revile. 

I'm coming clean with my lower self's habit of using others to subsidize my lack of self-esteem. Containment and self-observation are handy tools. I notice when I get leaky. I focus on the need. Give it the acknowledgment it seeks. Take a closer look and learn about it.

It's a cruel and aggressive process of self-objectification. Shame its guardian. And the need for attention that powers it is breaking my heart wide open. Desperate. It has been calling my name all along. Asking for ME to assign value to it. And so I am. Slowly. Gently. With tears of compassion. I hold it precious and administer to its wounds.

As I nurture this little one home and deprogram its limiting beliefs, I explore what true worthiness is. Surfing my net in meditation. What does it look like? Feel like? I find it's beyond my mind's ability to comprehend. A felt sense. A knowing beyond reason. It is the experience of being valuable beyond measure. Priceless. Unique. And yes, needless of acknowledgment.

Last night I said “Au revoir” (goodbye) to France. I walked along the sea. Merci beaucoup. Thank you. The crickets shook their rattles and the bright pink sun dipped into the Mediterranean. Hot wind warmed my back, pushing me along. A symphony of nature said, “Bon voyage Alexandra. You are loved beyond measure.” It was an acknowledgment like no other. Unsolicited and one of the most meaningful ever.

Evolved recognition of self is a fearless state of celebration; a living-in-action awareness that I am a spark of divine source. In this, there is no need. I am secure in who and what I am. Precious. Perfect. Loved. I'll keep stretching to live my life in this truth as much as I can. With the recognition that my practice of prancing about for scraps of unsustainable attention is dying. All that I need is within and in accessing that I am changing.

I stopped at a fruit stand the other day. Four stocky handsome Frenchman were there too. I sensed their interest. Before my need for validation had a chance to spring, I held it. No. You're not allowed to play with them Missy. Get back into my heart where you belong. You are exclusively mine to love and cherish. Like magic, my need evaporated and so did the men. And the cherries never tasted so good.

Comments

[Anna Beaumont]

Awesome Alexandra, really great, thank you for your honesty and courage :o) Anna B.

[KD]

I could taste those French cherries. They had worth, value and juicy inner sustained importance. Bravo for once again you have snapped the debilitating code and rediscovered the Gem you are and will always be. Thanks for the raw Truth from Alexandra writes.

[Nadira Ramtahal]

The goddess of much internal and external beauty is bravely embracing her worthiness and inner beauty as each beckons her attention for alignment in her fabulous oneness.

[Fi Moger]

You are a dancer of the finest Grace. In-and-out, both the intrinsic and extrinsic have something to teach us. It is the honesty in your journey that makes it so breath-taking to be part of. "Bravo!" x x x

[P.]

Oh wow. I just had to tell you that "Just cherries please" was an intensely honest piece of work. I was amazed at how well you expressed the need to be acknowledged. What I found completely shocking was how your expression of your needs struck a cord with me personally. I too (and probably most woman) feel the same way. With the kids and working I sometimes feel like I don't have the time to investigate why I react the way do or explore why I need certain things. Thank you for sharing and for my eye opener.

[m]

Hi Sweetheart
Cherries are one of my favourite foods. How precious and timely are your words! How did you know? I love your story of how God/the Divine is romancing your heart! I am on this same path of consciously cherishing my heart as well. Sweet freedom!
Love you.

[K]

I love your updates! I think that most women can relate feeling to how you felt, and how liberating that is to get past it!

[d]

Your best one yet my dear ;-) I can relate in that need for external acceptance. It has fuelled my success in a strange way…but it is getting tiring. At least I am recognizing it now. With age, such wisdom.

[Alexandra]

Thank you P.For your equally honest response. It inspired a realization for me. When I was in Peru a Shaman said often, "We walk the path for those who are unable to." I walk this unusual path for those who have other destinies. Like, the important job of raising children. I honor your journey. And, may the teachings I gain from mine easily flow to you and enhance your life. Blessings... Alexandra

[Karen]

I will think of Cherries in an entirely different way from this point.

[Brad]

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

[Genevieve]

Your writing and opennness and willingness bring tears to my eyes.

[As always Veronika]

"so on my way from open market in France, I passed cherries stand drawn to Norde Dome to feed my soul."

With love,

[JB]

What a ride you are on!

[Tricia]

Acknowledgment is an antidote to negative imprinting.... breathe it in!

[Leslie]

Wonderfully written with a look into your innermost thoughts. Thanks for sharing!