The Holy Men of England

Longing. Wanting what is not present. I first faced it in Chile. High up on a mountain. Shivering in an unheated room. The howling wind shaking the windows as my heart quivered desperately for home or someone familiar to be with me. How lost I felt.

Longing has shown up in different outfits and been a fairly regular traveling companion. It was home-sickness in South America. Loneliness in France. Excess in Mexico. I've reached horizontally more times than I count for something or someone to escape feeling the fear and heart-ache that powers the illusion that I lack. It is powerful need that blinds me to resources available in the present. Unpacked, it is the belief that I am separate from creation and living in it makes what is happening right now insufficient and lacking.

Bonny 'ol England has gifted me a series of experiences with men who are apt mirrors of my masculine consciousness on this point. Two Pauls. Two Lukes. One Matthew AND a Mark. I'm surrounded by holy men. Good news. I need loads of help. Each of these men have come to me with their longing. Projecting that I hold some necessary acquisition that will improve their lives. Make it better. More whole. Some believe that I am their soul mates. That I complete them. Others can't identify what it is that they are seeking exactly.

I have stretched to meet them in sincerity. Honorably and honestly. Trusting that our connection holds purpose. I've asked for guidance. What would love do? Love answers every time, guiding me to turn them back to themselves. I am your reflection. What you see in me is your own beauty. Your divine feminine in her fullness. Your desire, your longing is your need to be reunited with your Queen. She is within you.

Some get it. With those that do, I continue on. Our relationship morphs into its appropriate form. Friendship. I offer my support and time while acknowledging the teaching I am receiving from them. I reward their courage with true love. And with those that aren't able to consider that the externalized fantasy that they've painted on my frame is just an illusion, I move on. It doesn't mean they won't get it. The will. It just means that I'm not the person they'll get it through.

One of my guides in Glastonbury explained it to me this way as we discussed the importance of the Pig Totem in Celtic Tradition. “This totem is about generosity and giving nourishment. The sow allows her piglets to be nourished by what she offers. But she is also Kali. A dark mother. She eats the ones who are weak.”

Although visceral and more than a bit disturbing, I'm getting nature's point. By taking care of my longing within, by taking it up vertically, I satisfy it with sustainable Source energy, my higher consciousness. The conditioned conditioning that seeks outside of itself for satisfaction and completion is diminishing. Horizontal grasping is dying. And just like that Mama pig, I am eating what weakens me by eating what's eating me.

These men are heroes. Evolving at a perfect pace. I am learning not to feed on their longing. Honor us both in our exchange. Our souls are seeking something more. How about intimate non-sexual connection? What kind of bridges will that build in our world? I align with these men as a lover of love and in a crucial teaching for us both. In my ownership and containment of my longing, I am available to them in a new way. We open a portal to heal a collective wound that has had me chasing after rainbows that disappear into the mist.

Two sets of dear friends are leaving British Columbia. Four people who are pillars in my life. Ones who I looked forward to being with again when I return to Vancouver in September. My need for their familiarity has brought with it this longing. A need for it to be different. I am alone. No one is there for me. Lack consciousness. I hold it in meditation. Bring it within. Rock it back and forth until it knows it isn't alone. That I am there for it. Within 24 hours I receive three emails from friends in Vancouver whom I haven't connected with in months. Each of them asking in essence, “When will you return home?” My outer mirrors my inner. A shift was made and so I manifest what I was longing for. But now, no longer need it.

One whole year later I am preparing to return to my home and native land. I have felt moments of seer joy and victory in the completion of one of the most difficult and glorious endeavors of my life. And I've noticed when my homecoming is fueled by longing. A need for solid ground. The carefully contrived illusion of familiarity and comfort.

When I set sail on Saturday in one hand I will carry a bag filled with new abilities to find home within wherever I am. In it will also be what I have learned on this journey and my hope that my homecoming will be joyous and abundant. In the other hand, I will carry my longing. My need and my expectations. I will carry my fear too, that which believes that I am incapable of fulfillment without the bells and whistles I have restlessly pursued.

I'll carry both bags with equal appreciation and care, praying as I walk. Asking for help to attain a greater ability to live in the balance point between the two. It is this place of needlessness that inspires me. It comes without seeking. Peace. Immeasurable grace. The freedom to love.

So what is the batting average of these Holy Men of England? Who has chosen to take the chance and source within? One Paul. Two Lukes. One Matthew AND a Mark. Five out of six willing men have come through for themselves. I am blessed and humbled at this. I have new friends and we're starting with a strong foundation. It is a sign that inspires me to celebrate men everywhere. As well as own these great happenings as a reflection of the integration of my own need. They are getting it. I am getting it. We are allies in a partnership that exists to dismantle a consciousness that has kept us chasing those rainbows. And now, it seems I've finally caught one.

Comments

[Fi Moger]

So have we received what we asked for? At the side of a waterfall, at the top of a beautiful climb, beneath one hundred butterflies. It will soon have been a year. YES. And he said it would happen.
Home is where the heart is Alex. And you have had it with you all along :) x x x

[Luisa Dal Magro]

Well...as usual I am so moved by your words and how they ring true. I am so excited for you return home and I can't wait to see you!

Lots of love, Luisa x

[Heidi Klassen]

Hi Alexandra,

Heidi here in Vancouver....I have read all your letters -with interest and admiration. This latest is one I am resonating so deeply with. What you are describing is an understanding through your experience, as through mine, of the amazing transformations men and women are going through together. You are mirroring the extraordinary evolution of human kind in our life time that is in us; through us! How fantastic! How awesome! You are not alone. I look forward to your return from your discovering these new maps of the interior/exterior worlds for us and with us.

Your Sister in Spirit,
Heidi

[Michele Labelle]

Interesting that you have met all these holy men. HOLY COW! The Divine in you is like honey to them. Now with the inner peace of knowing who you are, standing on your own, knowing that home is where the heart is, really finding out for yourself what being in the Present moment is ,congrats my dear. Looking forward to sharing a cup of Chai at East is East.

[Theresa]

What a great teaching – can hardly wait to see you and talk to you in person!

[Cheryl]

Alexandra, Thank you for sharing ,your strength and wisdom with me.I am very grateful to have you in my life.

[Love Charlotte]

Very mature. Wow you have really come along way. I am feeling more and more hopeful as I hold the part fo me that feels lost.

[Shauna]

I just read your latest blog post. And this one is my favorite. How radiant and raw and empowered and clear of love for Self pours through your heart and your words! Bravo Goddess, bravo!
Keep rolling sister, you're moving magical mountains!

[Tricia]

Welcome home......‏

[Daleth]

Aaahhh, my dear sister.. What a gifted writer you are! Thank you for sharing!
Love you dearly and can't wait to see you! Yipee Yipee Yipeeeeeeee!
Love, Daleth

[Ken]

Thank you Alexandra for another inspirational catalyst into my own lack and murky desires for love outside myself. I seem to drown into the morass of negative self limiting whips of bad boy and degrading shame spirals of no love at the Inn. Only to find that shimmering light reflected from Venus sparkling deep within the still aquamarine waters of my soul. I am a beautiful expression of divine love and yet I do struggle to see it on a consistent basis stuck in some lost painful heart from past failures. Will I ever figure this out and soar within my brilliance with that ever present craving to be touched and nurtured? I scream in the endless suffering of feeling alive and inspired to reclaim my beloved within and stop the unrelenting desire to have a yoni wrapped around me saving me from my dark dragons of shame, worthlessness and submission. I call forth my inner Prince to stand firm and strong in my loving self as I breathe in this heart of mine swelling into the core star essence of joy, peace and appreciation for my own path. I let go of horizontal approval and confirmation that I'm beautiful by a touch or night of passion. Please forgive this unsatisfied carnivore seaching for his next bite. Tear me away from this black hole of selfishness and apathy. Rise into my Prince like ways. Love to your inspiration.

[Helen Tomei]

Keep catching those rainbows, Alexandra. May this transformational year of travel carry you forward to new heights of consciousness, and may it be present in whatever amazing work you choose to do in this world. I think author suits you very well.

[Nadira Ramtahal]

From horizontally grasping the illusion to healing the longing through Source, and a rainbow, Bravo!!!

[Christopher Brinton]

Well, well Alexandra! Here's from Christopher in the Cotswalds. I have finally been reading your blogs and love your play of words. I too enjoyed meeting you in the passing! Ah, from the library window the rains are sweeping across this wide valley. Remember it? Such a play of images, an inundation of the senses as sunlight briefly illumines the mists. Such a stillness of evening time. christopher

[Mark]

Hi Alexandra. Would I be AND Mark? What a lovely person you truly are. You made such a mundane Friday evening in the pub certainly one to remember. mark.

[Anna]

Dear one
What a beautiful piece of writing and offering
I needed this today!
Thank you
Welcome home
Anna

[Todd]

Thoughtful and provocative, she writes with a inner depth and wisdom of a longing, searching soul cast adrift in a boundless sea of love and compassion. Her words speak of the eternal feminine quest for equality and meaning in the confines of masculine trappings. Also revealed is the male need to shake of the shackles of insecurity and aggression to reveal a more feminine approach to life. Blesses be her words.

[Keone]

Alexandra
You make facing my dragon more open and free; liberating. The judgments, criticisms and fears get in the way of being honest and real. Writing to you, I feel comforted and unjudged knowing you have looked the dragon in the face and laughed realizing there is a strong presence underneath the masks we wear. The god-presence is underneath all the amour and clothes we wear. I want to know and feel my pure love presence tday.

Love to your fearless courage,

[Leslie]

You are a brave woman. I hope you had as warm and welcoming homecoming as you expected. :)